How To Resolve Marriage Problems Like A Pro

How To Resolve Marriage Problems Like A Pro | Why Hello Lovely

Zack and I are very fortunate to not have had too many big arguments so far in our marriage. Do we argue? Of course! Every couple argues. But we typically bicker more than we have big, legitimate arguments. We’re generally pretty easy going and we get along and communicate our issues really well…for the most part.  But it’s taken years of experience from past relationships to get to a point where I can communicate how I’m feeling and prevent arguments before they occur. Good communication skills take time to develop.

No one likes arguing with their significant other, but believe it not, there are ways to make arguments less stressful and upsetting. And sometimes, there are even ways to avoid them as well. Here are my top five tips for resolving marriage problems like a pro.

PICK AND CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES.

Learn to determine when an issue is significant enough to argue over it. Money issues? Yes, that can be a big deal. Whether or not your husbands puts down the toilet seat, is a completely insignificant issue. Yes, it would be nice if they remembered to do that kind of thing and to us, it’s not that complicated or time consuming to do. But it’s in no way worth arguing over. It’s so important to be able to recognize when an issue isn’t worth causing an argument about and when it’s time to move on with your life. I promise you probably only about 20% of the things that bother you are actual issues. Everything else can be set aside.

GO TO BED ANGRY.

No seriously. Do it. I don’t care what anyone says. Sometimes you just need to go to sleep and clear your head. I’ve always been one of those people who absolutely needs to have the problem solved before I go to bed. But then the argument drags on and nothing actually gets accomplished. At that point, the argument only ends because the two of you are sick of fighting. Someone caves in and agrees to things they really don’t care about simply because they want the argument to end. This isn’t a way to end an argument by any means. Is it great that it’s over? Of course. But if nothing real is being solved then it’s best to sleep it off and what until morning.

The way I look at is is, if you were fighting about something important then by the morning, you’ll both feel a little more refreshed and can then tackle the issue in a calmer manner. If it’s something dumb and insignificant like that darn toilet seat again, then chances are you’ll wake up like it never happened. And if you’re still mad the next morning over something that ridiculous, then you need to go back to #1 on this list an learn to pick and choose your battles. I always feel better after getting some sleep and we never drag out our arguments longer than they need to.

ADMIT WHEN YOU’RE WRONG.

This can be challenging for both men and women. No one likes to be wrong. This has always been my biggest issue and I know it’s very hard for Zack as well. We both love to be the one who’s always right and it’s very hard for us to admit when we’re in the wrong. But this is a must if you want a successful marriage.  And I don’t mean you have to apologize and say it just to end the argument. Please don’t do that, actually. Again, that doesn’t help anymore. But you need to understand that you’re not always right. As hard as it is, sometimes you’re wrong. You need to be able to take a step back, recognize it, and admit when you’re wrong so that the two of you can come up with a plan to move forward.

LEARN HOW TO SAY “I’M SORRY”

When I say this, I don’t mean to apologize because you feel like you have to. This is the same concept as admitting when you’re wrong. When you apologize for something, you should truly be sorry for whatever it is that you did. Sometimes all the other person needs is an apology to move past it. But an apology should always come with follow up actions. If you apologize for not helping out around the house, then you need to follow up with doing your best to help more. You can’t just say sorry and pretend it never happened. The argument is bound to get brought up again in the future if nothing is actually changing.

DON’T BRING UP PAST ARGUMENTS.

When an argument is done then leave it at that. Don’t bring it back up again in your next argument. No one wants to be reminded of that one time they took too many jello shots and got too pissed off at their spouse for no reason 5 years ago. No one cares and that argument is no longer relevant when you’re currently arguing over the toilet seat again. You’ve discussed it, you’ve apologized, you’ve worked through it, so move on. It’s over and done with.

What has helped you and your spouse resolve marriage problems?

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  • I think learning to admit when you are wrong and apologizing is huge. Most times during a fight a spouse is really looking for a little validation. Those two things can help keep your marriage strong.

    • I agree! It’s taken me a long time to be okay with admitting when I’m wrong. I still don’t like it sometimes, but my marriage is definitely worth more to me than my pride.

  • Yes to all of this. We have gone to bed angry and people are like, “But you shouldn’t!!”

    • I’ve always been told to never go to bed angry, but to me, it just doesn’t work. At that point, you’re both pretty mad and exhausted and nothing actually gets accomplished from spending your night fighting. It’s much better to try to get some sleep and waking up feeling refreshed and ready to tackle the issue with a clear mind.

  • Yes, Yes, Yes! You have no idea, Keating, how helpful it is for me to see someone else say that going to bed angry can be beneficial. I’ve heard a ton of couple talk about staying up until 2 am to work something through and I’ve just thought that was so impractical for us. I’m a vegetable by 9 pm if I’m being honest, haha, and if my husband and I get in a fight at 10:30 pm and I have to be waking up at 5:00 am to go to work the next day – you better believe that I’m going to be angry, tired, and frustrated that I’m losing sleep over a silly argument. It most of the time hurts us rather than helps! I love this list!

    • Girl, by 2am, we’d both be 90% asleep haha there’s no way an argument at 2am could be beneficial in any way. I’d definitely take a break from that one and continue in the morning when I’m more awake and better able to handle the issue. I’m so glad I’m not the only one! haha

  • Pineapple & Prosecco

    Loved reading this! You are the first person I’ve ever heard say “Go to bed angry”, and I couldn’t agree more. When my hubs & I are in an argument, sometimes resolving before bed feels so forced. I always feel so much better the next morning! Thanks for sharing love.

    xx, Danielle | Pineapple & Prosecco

    • Thanks Danielle! I’m so glad you loved this! I’m definitely one of the very few people who will swear by going to bed angry lol some people are so dead set against doing that, but I see it as being so much more beneficial.

  • My husband and I have been married for a long time (32 years) and these are great guidelines. One of the thing that has really helped us is we try really hard to disagree without insulting each other. When I’m really upset, a long walk helps me to think things through and be able to articulate my feelings better as well as to listen to his.

    • That’s another great one! Sometimes we slip and insults happen. But it’s so important to eliminate those things from arguments. It only makes it worse and leaves your spouse feeling horrible. Sometimes you even just have to agree to disagree. And taking any sort of break from an argument can have so many benefits. Like you, it gives me some time to really hone in on my thoughts and feelings and come up with a better way to communicate it to him.

  • Determining what is worth fighting over and what isn’t has been a learning experience. Our first argument after getting married was over how to load the dishwasher. Thinking about how stupid that was later kind of has helped put a lot of potential arguments into perspective.

    • Haha I’ve had arguments like that as well! I can’t even begin to tell you how many times we’ve argued over how the laundry is done. We each have our different processes for everything and for some reason, it caused an argument every time. I now realize how pointless those arguments were lol

  • Jen

    I definitely agree about going to bed angry! Sometimes it is necessary and it really allows the situation to be diffused if it gets out of control.

    • Thanks Jen! I completely agree! No one wants an argument to be bigger than it has to be and that’s typically what ends up happening when you’re arguing late into the night with no resolution in sight.

  • Oh yes to all of these! I have learned over the year and from past relationships that some things are just not worth fighting over. It’s taken awhile to learn that though. Lol. I am so hard headed that in the past admitting I was wrong was not the easiest but as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized it’s okay to be wrong. Def do not bring up past arguments. It does not end well. Great lessons girl!

    • I’ve learned that from past relationships as well. It’s a sometimes hard lesson to learn, but it’s so beneficial when you do. It’s just so pointless to waste your time arguing over things that aren’t going to matter 24 hours from now. And I too suck at admitting when I’m wrong haha I’ve gotten better about it, but it’s still so hard sometimes. It’s a work in progress.

  • Emily Bendler

    These are excellent tips and so true! Great post!

  • kp

    When I first read “Go to bed angry” I was so against it, but now I totally see your point. I find it so difficult to go to bed before resolving an argument, but it’s so true that nothing really gets solved … it just keeps going in circles. I’m going to try going to bed angry next time! Not bringing up past relationships is also SO IMPORTANT!

    • Haha a lot of people are very against going to bed angry. It’s that ONE bit of marriage advice that everyone seems to be divided on. I’d much rather solve the issue in a calm manner than to only resolve it because we’re tired and angry. Nothing actually gets resolved there and the issue is likely to come up again in the future. So sleeping it off is so beneficial sometimes.

  • We go to bed angry sometimes and it’s really a-ok. We start the day again by talking and hearing each other out.

    • Exactly! It’s such a great way to clear your mind and start fresh the next morning. It’s so much easier to have a conversation when you’re more level headed and not sleep deprived lol

  • Shani Ogden

    I wrote a whole blog post about why you should go to bed angry! Most of the time, the issue isn’t actually that big of a deal and if it is, it’s always better to take a step back and gain some perspective.

    • I would love to read that post sometime! I live by this rule when we’re arguing late at night haha sometimes it just so much more beneficial to get some sleep than it is to continue arguing.

  • Such good advice! Bringing up past arguments ALWAYS leads to a disaster and completely changes what we’re even talking about.

    • I completely agree! It’s a great way to get completely off course from the actual argument which is the last thing you want to do!

  • I totally agree about going to bed angry! We got a lot of advice contrary to that when we got married, but ultimately if I sleep on something, I often don’t see it as that big of a deal when I wake up. Saves a lot of fighting.

    • I definitely get some strange looks sometimes when I tell people we go to bed angry sometimes haha most marriage advice you get tells you NOT to do that which to me, is super horrible advice. I’d much rather sleep it off and come back to it when I’m calmer.

  • Totally agree with all your points! Past arguments is a big NO NO for sure and you are probably the only one to say go to bed angry, haha.

    xx, Kusum | http://www.sveeteskapes.com

    • Thanks Kusum! Sometimes it can be super easy to drag past arguments into a current one, but typically that doesn’t end well haha and I am definitely one of the few who will swear by going to bed angry!

  • YES YES YES to #2! When it’s late and you’re fighting, going to bed angry is the best case scenario. First of all, no one gets nicer and more rational the more tired they get, so resolution is unlikely anyways. Also, we always both wake up feeling stupid about the fight and just wanting to make up!

    • I completely agree! Arguments always tend to get worse, the longer is goes and the later it gets. I’d much rather sleep it off and come back to it in the morning if needed.

  • I admit I’m horrible at going to bed angry sometimes. It’s so hard to sleep when I’m that upset and angry. BUT it’s always been beneficial. By morning, we’ve had the chance to calm down and are better able to hear each other out and work through it like adults.

  • Melissa Ghrist Ricker

    I’m so happy someone suggested going to bed angry. Sometimes that is exactly what I need!

    • I completely agree! It’s a great way to prevent an argument from getting worse than it has to.

  • April Serio

    I agree to all of these and yes, we go to bed angry too coz sometimes, its better to take a rest and talk calmly the next day.

    http://www.aprilwashere.com

    • Exactly! I’m so glad someone else sees the benefit in that. Some people are dead set against going to bed when angry, but sometimes it’s exactly what you need.

  • I struggle with saying I’m sorry but it can make all the difference. On the other hand, on the rare occasions my bf admits he’s wrong, it means so much to hear those words. Yes to going to bed angry, sometimes you just both need time to cool down <3

    • I’m usually pretty good about saying I’m sorry, but I’m horrible at admitting when I’m wrong. It’s so bad haha my husband’s the same way. We just like to be right. That alone makes our arguments last longer than they should lol

  • I think you are right on with these points. I’m glad I’m not the only one that says you need to go to bed angry sometimes.

    Keep up the great work here and live unstoppable!

  • When I took my communications class, admiring that you’re wrong and learning to compromise on certain things was key,

    Alix | http://www.apintsizedlife.com

    • Learning to compromise is so important in any relationship! Sometimes it can be so hard, but it’s so crucial at the same time.

  • Heather Gullett Denniston

    Marriage is long deep look in the mirror. I think the more we can focus on what we are bringing to the problem the better it is going to go.

  • Stacey Eckert

    I 100% agree with going to bed angry! I just need to clear my head and then I can look at the argument with a new perspective and we make up much faster!

  • I love all of these. I think when you get married you should be able to work anything out. After 15 years of being married to my husband the main thing I had to learn to do is let stuff go and accept him for how he is on some things.

  • Robin

    Totally agree with all of these tips! My husband and I are polar opposites and navigating that has always been tough for us; but most of the time, we know that’s our biggest strength, too.

  • I have such a hard time going to bed angry but my husband never wants to hash things out before bed, and now I understand why.

  • Mary Anne

    This is so true, honestly I don´t agree to go to bed angry.. I feel uncomfortable… but the thing I´ve done and workd for real is “do not bring up past arguments!