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The Real Reason Why I Never Wanted A Daughter

The Real Reason Why I Never Wanted A Daughter | KeatingBartlett.com

Today we’re getting real around here. These past couple days have been a little rough around here and honestly, I’m having a bit of a hard time right now. A couple of years ago, I shared a post on removing negative people from your life. At the time, my parents were finalizing their divorce after two years of nonstop court dates and a whole lot of family drama. And in that time, my relationship with my mom quickly became nonexistent.

A little bit of a back story here: growing up, it was my dad that I didn’t have the greatest relationship with. My mom always told me it was because our personalities were too similar and now that I’m older, I see where she got that from. The two of us have worked hard over the years to rebuild our relationship and get it to where it is today. Now, my dad is easily one of my best friends. I go to him for anything and everything and I couldn’t even imagine not having that relationship with him.

My mom was the opposite. I was very close with my mom growing up. To the point where our household felt pretty divided at times with me and my mom on one side and my dad and sisters on the other. She was my go to person for just about everything. She always had my back when I needed her to. If I needed someone to talk to, she was there. But these days, our relationship looks nothing like that.

As you get older, you start to see people for who they really are. You’re not as easily influenced and persuaded like you are as a child. And the older I got, the more issues I saw with my mom and our relationship and even with my parents marriage. After a while, the relationship I had with her became toxic and nine times out of ten, I found myself stressing out over the things she said and did. By the time my parents separated in 2013, I was just about done with trying to keep a relationship with her.

At that same time, I was also quickly falling in love with Zack and went on to marry him later that year. After spending more time with him and his family, I gained the courage to cut ties with my mom altogether. Zack had become such a positive influence in my life that I too wanted to surround myself with nothing but positivity. So some cuts had to be made (I did this with friends as well and still to this day continue to do this).

So my mom and I stopped talking for about two and a half years and in that time, I felt better than ever. So stress-free and calmer. I was better able to focus on my own health and my life goals and my marriage. I completed two college degrees in that time, started grad school, celebrated three years of marriage, moved cross-country, started my career, and improved my mental and physical health more than I ever could have imagined. I felt amazing and it was all because I started to take my social circle more seriously.

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So how does all of this relate to why I never wanted a daughter? Well because of the negative effects my mom’s presence had on my life and the way our relationship had developed over the years, was enough to make me determined to have sons. And yesterday, I was quickly reminded why I had been desperately hoping for a boy when we found out we were having a baby.

When I found out I was pregnant, I decided to open up the door to potentially rebuilding my relationship with my mom. Nothing too extreme, but I wanted to take baby steps. I’d send her photos of the baby and keep her updated on how our baby appointments went. I’d send her some of my bumpdate photos as well to keep her in the loop a bit more. She had her moments here and there where I’d have to stop talking to her or limit our contact for a bit, but for the most part, it honestly wasn’t too bad. I even debated on possibly allowing her to occasionally be present in our daughters life.

Then I had a very rough conversation with her last week which resulted in me taking another step back to reevaluate the relationship. And then sh*t hit the fan yesterday. It was a never-ending stream of texts to tell me how horrible of a daughter I was/am. Telling me I’m going nowhere in life and how I’m a disappointment to her. Bashing my dad for his “poor parenting” and even bashing my husband and his job and anything else she could think of to complain about. And it all came out of nowhere.

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This was why I never wanted a daughter

Reading those texts hurt. A lot (not to mention they were completely insane and inaccurate as well). And it’s not the first time I’ve received texts like that from her either. It’s appalling to me that someone would speak that way to anyone let alone their own daughter. You have to be a really sh*tty human being to bash your own child like that. And to drag my husband and our unborn daughter into it was a whole new level of mean. To tell me I’ll be a crappy parent is horrible. To wish my unborn child anything but a happy life and good health is cruel. And to think she calls herself a parent is completely insane to me.

This was why I never wanted a daughter. I hear the way she speaks to me and see the way she treats me and the last thing I want is to have that same kind of relationship with my own daughter. I couldn’t imagine ever treating my child that way or speaking to her in that manner. I couldn’t imagine getting joy out of tearing her down rather than doing everything I can to build her up. I couldn’t imagine never being able to meet my grandchildren because my daughter hates me. Never being able to see or speak to her because we just can’t set aside our differences.

This toxic relationship is why I never wanted a daughter. And now here I am just three weeks away from being the mom of a little girl and I’m flat-out terrified. Becoming a mom is stressful and scary in itself. But to sit here worrying about what the future holds for my relationship with her makes it even worse.

I want to be that mom who dresses her up in “embarrassing” matching outfits for our weekly Target and Starbucks run. I want to be that mom who can’t stop bragging about how amazing and beautiful her daughter is. I want to be that mom who’s there for her whenever she needs me. I want to be the one person she can go to for anything and everything life throws at her. I want to be in the front row of every dance recital, sporting event, and graduation throughout her lifetime. I want to be the first person she tells when she gets engaged and the first one in the hospital when she has her first child.

While I never wanted a daughter, I’m trying to be optimistic about it. I want her to be surrounded positive and supportive individuals that all love and care about her and want what’s best for her. She’s not even here yet and yet she’s already so loved by so many amazing people. She’ll have two parents who are hardworking and love her more than anything. She’ll have two hilarious uncles and four crazy aunts. She’ll have two super loving grandmothers and three great-grandmothers who I know will all spoil her rotten. She’ll have one grandfather and two great-grandfathers. Someday she’ll have cousins to play with as well.

Seeing our little one in ultrasounds, hearing her heartbeat, and feeling her move has made me fall in love with her already. It’s those little moments that actually make pregnancy worth it. She’s ours. The most important thing in our lives. And regardless of what the future may hold, we plan to love her no matter what and give her the best life we can possibly give her. As scary as this journey is, I am so incredibly excited for her arrival and to start this chapter of our lives. I’m ready to be her mom.

Do you have issues with a difficult family member? How does that affect your parenting choices?

XOXO
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