Guys, I am feeling all the feels today. I truly feel bipolar sometimes. Last night, we visited a friend and our friend Eric asked me if I’d be okay this next year while Zack’s overseas. It was honestly the first time someone has asked me if I’ll be okay and I immediately broke down crying. I haven’t cried over this in a few weeks. I was doing pretty good, but now we have all the dates set. We know when the movers are coming and when we’re heading back to Maine and we even know when Zack is officially leaving the United States. It’s overwhelming now so I cried.
Zack has today and tomorrow off so we were out really late last night. We got home around 3 o’clock and crawled right into bed. Zack’s not a cuddly person and he’s also not the type to talk about feelings. He knows this next year is going to be a challenge for me and he knows I’m hurting from it. But he’s just not the type to talk to me about it which forces me to put a smile on my face and pretend everything’s okay.
I never break down in front of him because 1) I feel like it puts him in a weird situation where he doesn’t quite know how to make me feel better and 2) in the nicest way possible, I know he wants me to suck it up. He knows it sucks, but he also knows that crying doesn’t change anything. So like all milspouses, I do my best to be strong for him.
Last night was a bit different. Although he didn’t talk to me about it, we crawled into bed and he immediately pulled me close to him. With his arm wrapped around me, and my head on his chest, I cried myself to sleep. For the first time in our 2 years of marriage, he let me cry and did his best to comfort me.
I had planned on waking up a bit early this morning to finish up today’s post and get it all posted, but I woke up still feeling emotional and upset. I stayed in bed until 2 o’clock, threw my hair into a messy bun, and then came downstairs to watch The Office with Zack. I had no desire to do any schoolwork or even to finish typing up the post I had originally scheduled for today. So instead, it’s now just after 4 o’clock and I’ve decided I want to talk to you all about how I’m feeling.
A large part of me is feeling angry lately. Pissed off, really. Pissed off that my marriage means nothing in the military. Pissed off that my husband is being taken away from me. Pissed off that we wont have a home together anymore. Pissed off that I have to move back to Maine where I’ll lack support from my military family here in North Carolina. Pissed off at people who are trying too hard to help me. Pissed off at people who keep telling me “it’s only a year” or “it’ll go by so fast” or “suck it up” or “you knew what you were getting yourself into when you married him”. Pissed off that I don’t get to experience Japan with Zack. Pissed off that I have to live on my own. I’m flat out just pissed off about this entire situation.
‘m also terrified of what this next year will bring. When Eric asked me last night if I’d be okay this next year, I immediately broke down in tears and shook my head, no. I don’t think I’m going to be okay this next year. I need physical contact and I need to be able to spend time with Zack. I’ve done long distance before, but never for 12 straight months and never between two countries or different time zones. I’m honestly scared that I can’t handle it.
Another part of me is scared for our marriage. This past year and a half of living together has been crucial for us. We got married very quickly and moved in together when we had only spent maybe a couple weeks total together in the same state. It was a huge chance that we took. We’ve spent this past year and a half really getting to know each other and right when I feel like we’re at a really good place, the military throws us this curve ball. This next year definitely scares me.
A small part of is excited. VERY small part of me. I’ve already made plans for this next year to keep myself busy and distracted. I’m excited to have fall again. I want to go to Six Flags Fright Night and the Fryeburg Fair and I want to take the train into Boston to spend time with my best friend. I’m excited for these things I have planed, but I think the only way I can make this next year work is if I literally have something going on every single week.
I’m also a little excited that I’ll have my own place. I mean, I don’t want to live alone, but it’ll be a new experience. I’ve always been in long term relationships and I never pictured myself living on my own and living the “single life”. I know I’m not actually going to be single (duh), but it’s kind of like getting back a part of my life that I had kind of chosen to give up by getting married so young and by always being in long term relationships (I hope that makes some sort of sense. It can be challenging for me to word these things sometimes).
I can come and go as I please without having to tell someone where I’m going or what I’m doing. I can take the train to Boston to see Chelsea and have girls days whenever I want to. I can decorate the house however I want and I never have to fight with someone over the tv remote. I don’t have to plan my schedule around Zack’s schedule like I’ve been doing because he wont here. I’m literally creating my own little life in Maine for a year. So I’m a little excited to be able to focus on myself for a bit.
Another very small part of me is worried that I might like living in Maine. This is a VERY tiny part of me. I wont be living with family or anything so like I mentioned above, I’m making my own life. What if I actually like the life I create? Of course I don’t want to spend the next year completely miserable, but at the same time, I don’t want to enjoy a life without my husband. Why would I want that?
Let’s see if I can word this correctly…I don’t want to create a life that I love (great job, great relationship with my family, friends, nice home, etc) and then not want to move with him to our next base next fall. Does this make any sense? I’ve heard of military couples out there who live in separate states because of the milspouse’s career and I never understood it. I married Zack because I want to have a life with him. So I guess I’m just worried that I’ll create a life that I wont want to leave next year.
I’m feeling so conflicted these past few weeks and I’m truly feeling all the feels today.
Does anyone else have this issue sometimes?